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My mind has been swirling in multiple directions since Wed, 26^th Nov’08.

Me and I am sure, many like me were up all night on wed, watching in horror,  the terrorist attack unfold ‘LIVE’ on TV.

Every single channel covered (some extremely irresponsibly) it, but none the less.

There has been so much written and talked about the operation while it was in process and more, now that’s its over.

 There were few things which kept doing a ‘merry go round’ in my mind.

Observations and thoughts which refuse to get out of my system.

-      Terrorist’s: Those guys are how old? Media says between 20-28 years. They look like us. They dress like us. What have they been fed with (mentally) to reach such levels of hatred – to fire indiscriminately on whomever comes in their way? Have they suffered so much in their lives? If not, how are they brainwashed so much? What kind of money is good enough to carry out an operation of this magnitude? WHY? WHY? That’s what keeps coming back to my mind. There is no religion in the world which preaches killing like this. The word ‘jihaad’ has been interpreted to completely different levels to suit the convenience of a few to gain power and attention.

I keep hearing “this is in response to the cruelty and injustice towards our  people”. There are similar claims which go around when any organization sends out an email, taking responsibility of creating terror. Can some of them pin-point and explicitly tell which are incidents in their life that resulted them to feel the way they and do acts such as they are conducting.  

Will this end with their killing? Will they get justice and go to heaven? They will orphan some kids who could grow up to be just them and turn the guns around and this will never be over.

I was recently reading ‘City of Djinns’. Delhi has a history of high scale massacres. Massacres based on which ruler – religion was ruling at that point of time. We have been forever fighting on religion.

-      Media: They bring us the information. They are great. But in times of crisis there is a certain amount of responsibility they need to carry on their shoulders instead of making a ‘ sansani’ out of everything for TRP’s. They were showing position of the Army, where they were hiding, their plans, how they were moving, and Navy commanders coming down the helicopters live. HELLO. You are providing information to the very terrorists who are killing your people. Wake up!!

-      Politicians: The most amusing thing I noticed was the call for “Where is Raj Thackeray and his Marathi sena in times of crisis.” I have seen a SMS for him published in Times of India today morning.

       We have been lambasting our Government for not having proper systems and counter intelligence in place. I agree completely. We need a judicial and Intelligence overhaul in our system. Police reforms are needed. The politician’s responses have been the most ludicrous. Our politicians cannot even stay united in such times. They look at this as an opportunity to get media and some vote banks. But I also noticed that the current government did not negotiate and sent in the forces immediately to tackle the issue.

They did not sit on their asses as in the case of an Indian Airlines Flight 814 being high jacked on Dec 24^th, 1999, flown over Indian Territory and taken to Kandahar in Afghanistan. It went out of our control as we lost precious moment by inability to take action in time.

We were of course graced by the likes of ‘Narendra Modi’ and ‘Mr. L. K. Advani’ for their media bytes. There has been enough said about them. I need not say more. Mrs. Karkare refusal to take compensation from Narendra Modi says it all.

-      Forces and The Taj Staff: Hats off to them for what they have done in getting on top of this situation. They have risked their lives for save hundreds of others. They have been the HEROES as rightly stated as. One can say as much and its still less.  

Much needs to be said about the Taj service/Staff. They have been very courageous. They took it on themselves to get as many guests out as possible. They were the shield for the guests of Taj. They were our HEROES.I don’t know how any of us would react in such as situation. Most of us would run to save out our own asses.

-       And the people (All of us – one billion +): I walked in office the next morning. I saw people unaffected by this. Some even commented - ‘aisa tu hota raita hai. Not to get to bothered with’. I was appalled. When will it bother u? When it has hit you in the face. Is then when u will wake up to it. It’s this indifference which causes the damage.

Your words are irresponsible: This is the time we need to keep our heads in place and not loose sense and go in community fervour. People have gone about making irresponsible comments about other communities and nations.

These are people who are educated and know what sentences/words like this can cause. I can’t grasp some of these people.

People have died unimaginable deaths- burned, killed by bullets, killed by grenades.

Religion/ country/ languages are ways to understand how the other person thinks, lives and behaves. Full stop. Beyond that faith is the same. Each religion talks about faith and god. None of us look like each other. What is the problem if each has a different god and a different way of accessing God.

I tend to wonder “Am I overreacting to all of this?” Or are we all ‘Comfortable Numb’.

A good article a friend forwarded: http://www.rediff.com/news/2008/nov/27raman-are-our-nuclear-establishments-safe.htm?zcc=rl

-Que

I try to organize myself too much. And then I only break all the structures around me.

My mind always works in two directions; there are two roads constantly. One say - structure, plan, achieve. Another road says – go with the flow, take it easy, enjoy life, take what is coming your way.

I sometimes look at my life right now and find it very boring. I don’t know what to do with myself most times in the evening.

I sleep, eat, read or vegetate in front of the TV or machine. Whereas my To Do list would have completely other things listed- blinds, sofa design, venues, wedding outfit research, yoga/exercise etc.

The minute things go in a list of things which have to be done, it becomes a load on the head. I procrastinate and postpone.

Then there is another thought.

There is so much to do, so much I want to do in a hurry. Am I being too impatient? I feel like time is running out and all my energy will fizzle out leaving me ‘don’t try and change the ways of society; it’s too much effort. Just fit it- it’s easier.’ That’s a thought which is so scary for me.

AM I SLOWLY SLIPPING IN HOW THE SOCIETY WANTS US?

I can see subtle changes in my friends around. Even as early as 5 years back, there was greater rebellion, more opinion and viewpoint in our mind’s about life, how we wanted to live it. There was energy and want to not live by the rules. There was place to experiment and try unconventional formats.

I see that changing slowly. I hear a liner here and there –

-          That’s how it is, don’t fight it.

-          Karna partha hai

-          I am married now, I have responsibilities.

-          I have to do as my wife/husband/ mom in law/dad in law want

I agree, our generation has had it easier. Our lifestyle and thought process is a lot freer.

What worries me is will we also slowly fall in the trap of ‘have to do’ to keep a façade, kitty parties, buying diamonds, judging people on how they live, eat, wear, which car they drive, how are they networked and having relative cousin issues – oh!! He did not call me or come to meet me.

My Masi (mom’s sister) stays in the same lane as ours. Most of my cousins  used to love crashing at my house. None of us would end up visiting her. She has always held that against all of us. She is relative and first cousin for some of the jingbang. There are taunts and jins till date about the same. 

I worry – Will we also become that Masi?

I was watching this movie called ‘Dasvidanya’ last night with a bunch of friends.

This main character in the movie played by ‘Vinay Pathak’ is leading a normal boring life. He is Mr. Correct - takes care of his mom, does not drink or smoke, does his work well (is still treated like shit in office) and he makes a TO DO LIST every single day.

That tinged in my head – that’s what I shared with the character – To Do List. The only difference was he would make a simple 10 point list. So do I. Or let’s say that is the intention.

I have energies scattered all over the place. Getting down to making a list feels like I am collecting all my energies in one place. I feel more in control, less restless in my head. Only, sometimes it takes a substantial amount out of me. I get some kind of pleasure out of it. Writing more or less the same things to do every single day must do something – reminds me constantly of all that I have to do in life (short term), or makes me feel more in control.

I start my day completely fresh- a blank slate. I would write 5 things I want to do. Then I would remember something else, I would jot it down and more and more …… MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee….till I would have covered at least one and half page every single day.

To the extent I had (well … have) such elaborate too do lists, that making them is a task in itself. I seem to pour all I want to do over the year in it over and over again.

This Halloween, Heidi Klum, a German super model created quite a buzz with her Halloween outfit.
She dressed as Goddess Kali.

And of course, all the saffron flags go up and love for religion has suddenly blossomed in the hearts of ‘Hindu’s. There is always some random organization or religious outfit who is demanding an apology for ‘degrading’ our Hindu Religion.

Religion and sex are the most exploited ways to get your ‘moment of glory’. And it works everytime and everywhere. It’s in our DNA.

Religion is to provide you with easier access to higher forces and energies, not to dwell and create issues about. It shows a passage for freedom, self-expression and awareness, not something to fight and kill over. How does it matter who is who, and the bigger question is - who are we to decide that? Dressing up as Goddess Kali, is not going to tarnish the powerful force, belief and respect that Goddess Kali commands. It is our ego which gets offended. How come we are not taking offence to some of the versions of Ramayana and Mahabharat that come on our ‘Idoit Box’. This new version on ‘Mahabharat’ on NDTV Imagine takes the cake with its beefcake boys playing semi gods.

To my mind, the outfit and makeup looks great. A lot of effort has been put to get the outfit and the look together. It looks beautiful. Heidi Klum may have generated curiousity around Goddess Kali. Some people may read about it, talk about it. It’s getting new audience, across different cultures. Of course, some may wrongly interpret it but that’s ok. Haven’t we Hindu’s been wrongly interpreting our own religion and abusing it for our selfish goals, for years now?

When I started to write this post, I had no idea it would get so serious.

I started with - Wow!!!! Look at that. Its gorgeous. And i love the shoes!! Check out the skull boots she is wearing in the outfit. Complete kick ass! I have to put this on My ‘Potlee’.

“It’s not just our hair which get conditioned.”

We start getting conditioned from the moment we enter this world.

Words, people behavior, opinion everything has a tremendous influence on us.

And the best part is, it all happens so subtlety, we don’t even realize we are getting conditioned. Slowly, certain words evoke associations/ emotions/ responses instinctively.

A conversation recently with my cousin got me ticking on this.

Background

Me, my cousin-1, cousin-1 younger sister, cousin-1 younger brother, my sister, yet another cousin and more…..All went to the same school.

Yes, you can call it ‘community schooling’. When one started with school, the rest followed in the same place.

One big reason, why I never managed to bunk school.
I was dead sure I would  have one of my ‘tiny -another cousin’ running home “Oh Masi! Is didi not well.
She did not come to school, today?”.
And there I would be, dutifully walking in with my school uniform and bag, with a halo on my head.
Can you imagine.. the whipping I would have got.

Anyway, because of this ‘community schooling’, We more or less had the same teachers.
Stories were passed down generations.

School for me and some of my cousins was 13 years back (Yup, seems like a lifetime away).
We had a subject called ‘ Physical Training’ also know as P.T. and the concerned teacher was
“PT teacher”.
Our’s for the longest time (and till today) has been a lady who was widely known as ‘ghodi’.
I dont think any of us remember her actual name anymore.
It was always ‘ghodi’ or ‘PT maam’.
Our PT teacher knew her ‘popular’ name and used to take considerable offence to it.

Above is a little background to a small conversation that happened between me and Pooja.

Pooja was a batch younger to mine.

Oct 10, 2008

Pooja calls.

Pooja: I went to school day before (this is after 12 years) with another friend.

Lets call this friend: A

Me: Wow !! Has anything changed.

Pooja: Still looks the same. Singh Sir has now become principal..

Me: What !!

(conversation moves to a particular hot Teacher we had : Mrs. Agarwal.. to Ghodi)

Me: Is ghodi still there? How is she doing?

Pooja: Do u know her real name. Ghodi - Our PT teacher

Me: (My mind is saying… Usha) Usha !!!

Pooja breaks up… (Laughs)

Pooja: No!! Its not PT Usha ! This happened to everybody I spoke too.

She narrates,

She asked A just as they were getting out of school…

Pooja: What is our PT teacher ‘actual’ name?

A: (Instinctively) Usha.
(Then, realizes his mistake and cracks up)

Pooja gets home, meets her younger sister, She is four years younger to us, same school.

Pooja: R, what is our PT teacher’s name?

R: Is it not Usha?

(Pooja by then is literally rolling on the ground)

To confirm her theory, she runs to her younger brother. He is a batch 8-9 years after ours.

Pooja: S, what was our PT teacher name?

S: Ghodi (fully engrossed in a car chase game on the ‘mean’ machine)

Pooja: No! No! Her real name.

S: Usha ( Eyes and head Still buried in the game)

Pooja is hysterical. She breaks into a ‘hu-lla’ tribal dance move, enough to even divert S from the car chase
to stare at her.

Pooja: Just because she is out PT teacher does not make her PT USHA. Ass !!!

They eventually found her actual name. Some ‘Balvinder.. or something inconsequential like that.

For us I think she will always be ‘Ghodi’.

&

P.T. Usha has been associated with Indian Athletics since 1979. She has been so etched in our system, that even though we do not think about her , she pops up spontaneously on certain associations.

I am sure there are more such words and associations. I would be happy to hear of a few.

Enjoy!!!

-Que

I have been raving and ranting about this whole “getting married” process.
So, one gloomy day, I was exchanging some enlightening mails with a friend on this, when he sent me these “post marital benefits”.
To  maintain his so-called “squeaky clean” image, I shall not disclose his name (I am a considerate soul).
I  did try to reason that I am  only trying to make him famous, somehow the argument did not sell.

Let’s just call him VJ and he is married.

Extracts of the mail…

“……but have i shared with you the top 10 post marriage benefits.. ?

1. You get to make everyone watch 20 hours of video coverage again and again… serves them right for putting you through it..
2. You get a present or cash for the first time you meet people lasts about a month..
3. All the time to yourselves.. unlimited ‘fun’ (the world suddenly expects you to have ‘fun’)
4. You get to join the annoying club which is perpetually trying to set up the remaining single friends
5. You get a new maid to gossip about…
6. You get a new driver to gossip about
7. You can get out of any situation with people around cause your ‘first and foremost’ concern is supposed to be your husband
8. A whole new wardrobe - from in laws and from your parents..
9. Gifts for the whole house! enough gifts to forward around for another 5 years!
10. Most importantly refer to point 3 again..

it gets worse … one day you’ll realise it’s better to give in… or as Y says .. you’ll be Zen… then it won’t be so bad..“

Do i get killed for this, VJ?

-Que

That got me thinking,

So what phenomena do we get hit by as we approach 30 some thing,

- We start to slowly become like what are parents are. All the things we hated about them, slowly seem to become a part of us. The society, the system , the rules suddenly show their tiny roots in our behavious and approach to life.

- When we are in our twenties, there is such fire in the belly. We are ready to take on things, change the rules of the game, the appetite for risk is higher. There is so much more to look forward to. Now, here is a sudden lose of this energy. Life has become comfortable and does it make sense to take on the stress of starting from scratch all over again.

( Once in a while we will get gilted in our dreams/ or introspect about what we actually wanted to achieve, where we compromised and reality bite us.)

- We crib about our jobs, our lifestyles, lack of time, family, friends… everything life has to offer us. Like we have given up on life and are just being a machine.

Why do some of the things above happen to us?

They say age and experience makes one wiser.
I am not sure anymore.
I think it makes us a lot cautious, compromising and accepting what the society has to offer as we start developing fear in our system.
I am scared of so many more things now than 5 years back.
I suddenly realize i have to be responsible as i have people depending on me and i cant go around being my reckless self.
That is the beginning of the ‘institution of fear‘.

There are a lucky few who seem to have managed to get out of this rut ( or this rat race) we so jokingly say.
But we are the ones who have created this rut and are living in it.

Order a cappaccino at coffee day/ or any place which gives u that full lather on the top. Drop a full spoon of sugar in it.. or empty a packet in it at one spot from a slight height. Watch it slowly sink in the coffee.. there would be a slow depression which would be formed in the coffee and u can see the sugar disappear in it. It is such a pleasurable sight.. like right out of a coffee ad… and add to the visual treat are the mulitple colors of coffee and cream…various hues of brown and cream. Yummy !!!!

Nails, Masooma Syed, Lahore

Had landed up for an exhibition which showcased work on ” borders”, restrictions and conflicts.

The line of artists included some great pieces by Pakistani artists also. It was the first time for me to see their work.

One form of medium completely intrigued me. I had so far not thought of possibilities of such kind… but then that the limitation in my mind and reason why I am not where she is.